Dear Daddy

Daddy-

Today I vacuumed. I really needed to. The dog hair was puddling underneath the dog’s sofa. You know the green sofa next to the window- next to the view of the river that you sat and stared out at from the red sofa. I mean those little hairs, they truly were piling. I know, his hair is so short and all but I guess it is some kind of shedding season. Yesterday I did laundry. I washed and dried it. Today I put it away. The day before that- I don’t remember what I did. That day is an empty memory. The day before the day I don’t remember- it was the day you left. I remember that day. I remember my brother’s voice- the doctor’s voice- calling from the hospital. They wanted my permission to cease CPR and all of the other electric shock, medicine shooting to your heart- they wanted me to say OK to letting you die already. The doctor was a woman and she apologized for asking me to make these decisions from so far away. She was nice and she answered all of the questions that I could think of- but there weren’t a lot of questions to ask. You had this little brain electrical thing but other than that- I guess you were already gone.

And then there was arranging the cremation thing and talking to mom as she tried to pick out the right box for you...a box you won’t be in for long...a box that maybe doesn’t contain you at all. A fisherman engraved on the box, a flag??? We decided on nothing...just your name. What would you have chosen?

So now you are not in this world with me and I am having an impossible time without you. Not absolutely impossible, I am taking care of our little one who is throwing up and running a fever. But, I am distracted, constantly distracted by your absence. The first day I cried. The days after I couldn’t find the tears ... I waited for them. I studied your picture and asked when the tears would come back.....because my entire body, my whole being, went into this weird robot mode. Robots don’t cry. Yes, I know, me my emotional me- rendered to a robotic state. True- but I apologize- I know you expect much more.

Every day without you is a day with something terribly missing. I will need to go back home now, within days, fly across the country and sort through your things- our things as you kept my room the same all of these years later. Should I sleep there- will you comfort me or keep me awake? Whatever you want. I don’t feel ready because I can’t feel a heck of a lot without hearing your voice every day. I almost pick up the phone a dozen times a day before I realize that you won’t be answering.

It’s like every minute that I can’t hear your voice a part of me dissolves. I know- that makes you mad. You want me to be strong. You know I need to be strong- I am a mom and all. I will try harder.

I love you-wherever you are. I miss you so much.

Your Daughter Forever and Ever,

Di Di
xoxo

What's In a Name? Kind of a lot.

I would be willing to bet, and I am not the betting type (except for slot machines-I like those darn things), that my children have names that I don’t know.

Surely, they must. Didn’t their mothers rub their swollen bellies- as my girls wiggled, kicked and fed from their bodies- didn’t they rub their bellies and hush my girls with a name? Isn’t that how it works- pregnancy, child birth- that the child is welcomed into the world with a name? There isn’t some Chinese cultural prohibition of naming before the child is born, right? I don’t know. You tell me. But in the realm of my imagination- it seems likely, it seems probable- that my children’s first names are locked inside their mothers in China. Maybe when my girls were born their names remained behind. Letters strung through the hearts of their mothers and never purged. Purposely hidden. Purposely protected. Purposely withheld and sealed within.

When I was a child I loved the film The Never Ending Story. The child empress, residing in the other world of Fantasia, calls to a little boy on Earth to say her name or her world will be destroyed by the Nothingness.

The Empress: Bastian... Please! All you have to do is say my name Bastian: But how? The Empress: just say it...! Bastian: yes...! I will say it ...[crawls to the window and yells out in the night] Bastian: MOONCHILD!

Will my children yearn for their first names to be called out? Will the Nothingness feel like it is approaching without ever hearing their first name called into the night?

Of course, I am making this all up. That is my privilege as an adoptive parent. I get to make a lot of things up. Actually, maybe their mothers did reveal their names- wrote them on a piece of scrap paper- pinned them onto the girls- and somebody, someone, somewhere- tore that precious paper up-with their boldly written first name- and threw it away. Or maybe the paper is sitting in their orphanage file in a warehouse in China. Waiting for me to find it. See- I can make all kinds of things up. It’s a trans-cultural-trans-national-trans-racial Adoptive parent kind of a thing. We do this.

Each of my girls have 4 names- Was I overcompensating for the 1st name that I don’t know? Maybe. I don’t think so. Probably.

The first (my first not their first) we gave them.

The second was given by the orphanage in China. (I think. As far as I know.)

The third is either a paternal or maternal grandmother’s name.

The last- my husband’s.

As for the Chinese names in the middle- Ahhh. They are beautiful names. I often call them by their first two names together. But (strong but) we threw out their Chinese surname which translates to...drum roll...Orphanage/Institution. The orphanage from which they were adopted handed out that surname to many a child before recently changing it to something...um... a little nicer.

So what are their Chinese names? Indeed they are lovely but the pronunciation is a little tricky-

My 6 yr old is Ya Lan- Did you say Ya Lan ( which rhymes with Can) no, no, no. The Y in Ya is silent (Ah) and the Lan is closer to Lahn. Her Chinese nickname- Lan Lan. (Lahn-Lahn) All together it means Mountain Mist.

My 10 yr old is Yu Si- Did you say You-See? no, no, no. It is pronounced more like Ew-Sah. It means together Rain Silk or Fine Silk. Her Chinese nickname - Si Si (Sah Sah)

Oh- and in addition to their four names known and one unknown (maybe)- they called each other in China by their relationship names. Respectively- Mei Mei (little sister) and Jie Jie ( big sister). And if they were speaking Cantonese (which they did in their foster home)- Mei Mei would be Moi Moi- which is what our Cantonese friends still calls my youngest.

So how many names are we at now? I lost count. What was I talking about? Right. Right. Names. Which brings me to a silly little website I found where you can write your own name poem by filling out a questionnaire...I did it. And here is the result. If you do it too- let me know. I want to read it. In case you don’t know- I am Diane. AKA- Tinkertoy (I know, my Mom owes me).

Diane- It means protective vulnerable thoughtful,

It is the number 3,

It is like swamp mud,

It is holding hands with my children,

It is the memory of those I never met,

Who taught me forgiveness openness,

When they were gone before they said hello,

My name is Diane, It means Mommy.

-Diane

Participating in the Grown in My Heart Carnival here

Adoption, Disruption & Moon Cakes

This post is bound to be all over the place as my brain is shooting off in so many directions.
Culture keeping. Older child adoption. Bonding vs. attachment vs. both. Disruption (hate to even type out the word).

One thing about adopting an older child trans-culturally- I realized abruptly how absolutely clueless I was.

YD was 2 ½ at the time of adoption. About a year ago (at age 5) she asked me if I kidnapped her. It was just kind of thrown out there in a silent moment. It was after we had returned from China with her older sister. It was after she had watched her sister’s entire adoption unfold, paper by paper, plane by plane, stamp by stamp, official by official by official and then the red ink foot seal of approval. She saw it all. She witnessed trans-cultural adoption in action.

None of it, not a wit, erased the lingering dark feeling she carried for years- an entwined part of the fabric of her being- that we, her now parents forever and ever and ever, were indeed kidnappers. I thought walking step by step through the adoption process would ease her inner fears. Not. She remembered keenly the emotions of those first weeks with us and what she expressed was a profound anger and grief from being a kidnapping victim. I will never forget her fumbling with the hotel telephone- if only she knew how to call for help. I will never forget her insistence that her shoes remain on- just in case she saw an opportunity to run. I will never forget her screams of despair every time we returned to the hotel and she saw the elevator light for up- up to captivity.

When we returned with YD to China there was an intense amount of reassuring that she asked us to do. What if my foster family wants me back? Will you let them take me? Will you fight them? What if they steal me...how will you find me? How long will you try to find me? Will you give up on finding me if I am gone for a long time? How long? How long will you try?

And when she returned, when she saw her foster family, when she was carried by foster mom like a hero through her old village as she munched on Chinese cheetos...she was just fine. And when we went into her foster home and she saw her old bed and old toys- fine. But, the next day when the foster mother made an unexpected appearance, one we hadn’t plotted and planned on, it was not ok anymore. In fact she howled in terror as her foster mother tried to hold and embrace her. Our guide told me- just let the foster mother hold onto her...let her hold her even if she is crying because she might not get another chance.

Shredded me.

And OD- adopted at age almost 8 and now 10. We were asked by the foster family to come back for her. I was hesitant. That is a soft word for what I felt. Actually, I said no. NO WAY. I was scared and just then starting to bring YD to some kind of peaceful inner place. I was asked to return on the cusp of having built some level of trust with YD. So, initially I said no, but that no- for a plethora of reasons- didn’t stick.

OD came home and she would have probably met almost every criteria for a Reactive Attachment Diagnosis. Her issues were the top reasons listed by Adoptive Parents to justify disruption. As scared as I was prior to her adoption- I could have never anticipated the challenges ahead. More importantly- I could have never anticipated the sheer honor it is to call her my daughter.

In my first post placement and after discussing her issues with our adoption agency- you would have thought that Satan was hanging out in our home. Even, as frustrated and afraid as I was for her future/our future, I became quite defensive about the suggestion that maybe we might want to consider therapeutic residential treatment. My God- if after only six months, she was so traumatized, how in the world would sending her away ease that trauma? The nearest ‘Attachment Specialist” was a leisurely 4 hour round trip from our home. In the end, I decided to learn everything and anything that I could on how to forge an attachment with my oldest daughter- how could I help her feel safe-how could I make sure that we were all safe in the process.

OD and I discuss those difficult days/months with a frank honesty now. She was in so much pain and so overwhelmed by an old life of trauma and a new life of the complete unknown. We have grown together over the past 2 ½ years. A couple of step forwards and a dozen steps back- but we have continued a forward motion. When I read news about Anita Tedaldi (read at Malinda’s China Adoption Talk) and the enormous sympathy she is receiving for not bonding with her child and subsequently disrupting the adoption- heck, I could have disrupted and been showered in roses. Maybe they would have thrown a parade in my name. Maybe someone would have bought me a timeshare in Disney World so I could drown my guilt away in the whirling tea cups.

Which brings me to yesterday- that day that OD shared with me about her experiences with the Moon Festival aka Mid-Autumn Festival in China. I was not teaching her about the Moon Festival...no, no, no. I was the student. She shared her memories of the neighbors all turning off their electricity, the light of the moon next to the darkness of her village, the lantern that she almost caught on fire, and the many shapes , flavors and faces of the moon cake. It is one of the most amazing things about adopting an older child- they become their own culture keepers and as parents we strive to remember their memories. Just in case one day they forget- -we strive to remember their stories for them. Their stories- and theirs alone. I wish that I could find the Moon goddess legend that she remembers in part- it included a pig and darn if I can’t find any version with a swine mention.

The post of Jae Ran’s of Harlow’s Monkey that discusses adoptees returning to China to a quasi-hero’s welcome. I can’t imagine that the hoopla would go over well with OD. She had a hard enough time with the smoke and mirrors of the Beijing Olympics and the subsequent information that comes to us from China as we struggle to put her puzzle together without all of the pieces. OD lived and breathed her native China for 8 years- no need to spoon feed her some glorified version. She wouldn’t bite. But, she does savor the memory of the yearly gathering of her Chinese community to watch the moon and she does indeed glow when she talks about those sweet little moon cakes.

Bringing me to the end. The face of Faith. She was adopted from Ethiopia. Her adoptive parents wrote a raving report of this child- who loves God- who loves the Babies- Who loves the Elderly-who saved the lives of her 2 Sisters-who loves to Sing- who loves to cook her Ethiopian cuisine- who can’t stay in her adoptive home anymore because she was a victim of abuse and sometimes may act out the abuse- BUT in no means is she a sexual predator.

The adoptive family is sad.

This is always the story. The adoptive family is sad. I’ve heard this tale a dozen times. The poor sad adoptive family. The adoptive family who is merely a stepping stone to the ‘real’ family and praise God that they rescued these children from desperation to be delivered.

I, for one, will be praying for Faith. I , for one, will be praying for the CHILD. Because if adoption isn’t about the child...then what?

-Diane

Auction Will End TODAY! Last Chance to Bid!

Thanks to everyone who placed a bid so far!

Auction for Love Without Boundaries- view items and bid here

The Girls Say Thanks - video

This was not rehearsed. I posted this on our charity auction site but I wanted to share it here as well with those that have followed our family and our progress with attachment issues.

There were days, days that stretched into months, when I wondered if my oldest would ever truly care about something. Anything. Her first 8 years in China were filled with such incredible pain that one day, long ago, she just turned her care switch off.

To live in this day, with this child, and watch her freely give and speak with such genuine compassion, with deep profound care for others- it is one of the most humbling experiences of my life.

I believe that every single child holds inside the most beautiful blinding light. For some, the light gets buried under mounds and mounds of trauma- but the light is always in there- somewhere. As parents it is our responsibility to keep digging, even when our arms are about to fall off, even when we are about to collapse from the sheer mental and physical exhaustion it takes trying to find that light. Because when it starts shining- wow- it is the greatest miracle to behold.

If you haven't found your child's light- keep digging. You can't stop now. It is so worth it and they deserve to shine again.

-Diane

What Nobody Told Me- Blog Carnival

What nobody told me?

Well, I am pretty sure that I wasn’t listening. No. I wasn’t. I definitely wasn’t listening. It’s not like the voices weren’t out there- screaming at me. But, I was shrouded in a cloak of pre-adoption bliss and with that comes deafness. If there was a stirring of a mumble- I effortlessly self prescribed an inability to hear. I wasn’t mute by any means. I had an awful lot to spout out, oh I went on and on, but nothing was getting in.

I read all of the books. You know- those freaky ones to read. Check. Check. But the words went in my eyes and out my ears. I didn’t swallow them and let them settle in my gut. Because then I might have been nauseous and I was way too happy to throw up.

It started on the plane. The second one- the one from Japan to China.

I noticed that I didn’t have black hair and I felt weird about it. I noticed that I couldn’t understand the stewardess when she was showing me how to use the oxygen mask and I couldn’t read the signs she pointed to that might mean my survival if the plane broke. I hate planes.

And then I stepped off of the plane in China.

That is when the screaming started. I mean when I started to hear it. Ever since then I haven’t been able to shut it up. Actually, it seems to grow louder every day. Maybe every minute of every day.

When I stepped off the plane my knee jerk reaction was to get the hell back on and ask the pilot to take me back. I don’t know if he spoke English but I am sure I could have gotten my point across somehow. My feet moved forward but my brain moved back. What was I thinking? What was I doing? What had I done? The smells overwhelmed me. The water smelled funny. I don’t know why that bothered me so much. What bothered me even more was that I couldn’t drink it. I knew about the bathroom but it was totally different when I was standing there trying to use it. Then the stares started and they never stopped. Even here- they don’t stop.

I knew this would be my daughter- those smells, those faces, their black hair, their water, their food- and I just wanted to find a Starbucks and forget the whole darn international adoption thing. I was a foreigner- she was a foreigner- how could we possibly make that work? I was an alien and she would be an alien to me. Panic. Jet lag. Weak minded me. I know you are screaming at me. I can hear you now.

My daughter first stood in front of me, all 2 ½ years of her, with a raging fever and tears in her eyes. Visiting a hospital in China was our first mother daughter activity. I think that was something that somebody actually did forget to tell me.

A few days and a lot of screaming later- we met her foster family. It was then that I knew that I was adding a whole lot more people to my family then I expected. Nobody told me that when I adopted my first daughter that I would meet my second daughter and that my kids already had a family thank you and I was responsible for maintaining connections to their/our extended family from the other side of the world. In addition, I was responsible for maintaining connections to a family that I couldn’t see- the invisible first family- and someday I would need to flesh them out- begin the search for a needle in a haystack. And that needle might prick my heart. I don’t know yet. But I’ve heard.

I certainly didn’t know- and this time I was listening- that I would be strolling, down the street, hand in hand, with a 10 year old who looks absolutely completely and utterly nothing like me and her beauty would take my breath away. I stopped mid-stride to embrace her and I was overwhelmed with the enormous privilege of being able to do so.

And as I sit here, writing in this place, with a 6 year old who is home from school early with a fever- I can see her and feel her even when I am not looking-and there is nothing alien about it at all. Nobody told me that part either.

Written in participation with Grown in My Hearts first Adoption Carnival.

Charity Chosen- Hope I'm Doing this Right!

After much debate and considering many great charities- when the girls saw a Love Without Boundaries video about heart babies- well, lets just say their 'hearts' were sure.

So 50 percent of all sales at Charity Garage will be given to LWB's Heart Fund.

From Love Without Boundaries-

"Our Heart Surgery Fund provides treatment and life-saving surgeries for orphaned children in China who born with heart defects. Since 2005 we have funded over 200 heart surgeries for children throughout China. Many times we learn of children who need immediate heart surgery. This fund allows us to send a child to the hospital right away.We gratefully accept both monthly sponsorships and one-time donations to our Heart Surgery Fund. Your donation will be used to help the most urgent children. One-time donors will receive sponsorship reports for one year, including photos and post-surgery updates of children helped through this fund. Monthly sponsors will receive reports for the duration of their sponsorship.It is our hope that this fund will help many children to have healthy hearts!"

The girls are so excited and I am so excited for them. This is their first venture into fundraising other than for school or dropping off a box at Goodwill. They have put so much thought into it and have eagerly chosen to part some of their treasured items. To say I am proud is an understatement.

And apparently I am a little nervous too- last night I had a nightmare. I was reading a website that listed all of the parents blogs with the best and worst dressed children. Guess what parent made the kids worst dressed list?? ME! I thought-in my nighmarish state- nobody is going to buy anything and the girls will be devestated!!! Yikes.

Where I need help - right now Charity Garage is set up with a LWB donation button and a Charity Garage Button. Buyers would split their purchase price and use both buttons to pay each half. After I receive receipt that both payments have been made then off to the post office we go. Does that make sense? That way the charity funds for Love Without Boundaries will go directly to them. Also, what is a good length of time to hold an online auction? 1 week? 2 weeks? Should I set minimum bids on items that have greater value or just leave it to faith?

Anyone know how I can make a button for Charity Garage for people to embed on their blogs if they wish? I need to go google that one...

I will continue to upload item photos and should be ready to start the auction this weekend!

Thanks so much,

Diane

Conversations & Charity Garage Auction

We’ve been having some conversations on how to resolve my need to hoard all things related to my children. As I have discussed previously- I am a organization, clutter free freak. The exception to this is my inability to let go of my children’s clothes (that don’t fit long ago), books and toys that they have grown out and all of their artwork. The artwork I still need to hold onto but I think we have found a solution to releasing the other clutter.

Yesterday we took a long walk on our favorite (no longer used) railroad tracks. We decided that we will do an online auction garage sale with half of the proceeds going to a charity chosen by the girls. I have set up the blog-

http://charitygarage.blogspot.com/

The sale will include clothing from size 24months up to 8/10s. Lots of gently used toys and book (child’s lit and adult) Some of the clothing was purchased in China. Brands included will be Disney, Old Navy, Osh Kosh & Matilda Jane. I hope there will be something for everyone-especially in the book section.

Right now it is empty but soon I will start to add items and once I finish the bidding can begin. I will flesh out the details and get them to you soon. This is my first go at something like this so let me know if you have any tips!

Also, please, in the comments section, leave us your favorite charity to consider. I will review all of the suggestions with the girls. I am looking forward to sharing our progress as we tackle this family project. I hope it will be a wonderful learning experience for all of us.
-Diane

Adoptive Parents- No Worries Ya'll! It's all Good.

Listen for Joy by Melanie Weidner

This, in newspaper format,was received today in the mailbox- sent by my MIL (who thought it was 'interesting'). Whew. I was doing so much worrying for nothing- so much research for naught. Because as Mr. Rosemand says- our adopted children (even with severe early trauma) will 'recover quite nicely when adopted by loving parents'. Love. I got some of that! Love is enough. Love rules. Love solves all. Whew. What a relief. Down with the hocus pocus and rejoice in the love ya'll! If not- 'It just ain't right.' - Diane

9/1/09
Living with Children John Rosemond Copyright 2009, John K. Rosemond

As a psychologist, I am a member of what is called the “helping professions.” The term is generally accurate­—most of us are helpful, most of the time. Nonetheless, it conceals the fact that when all is said and done, mental health care is a business. As such, entrepreneurial mental health professionals are no different than other businesspeople: they try to create new “products” and new markets. An example is the relatively new field of “adoption specialist.” The not-so-implicit message behind this specialty: adoption is a special circumstance fraught with psychological IEDs that cannot be negotiated properly without a constant vigilance; thus, the need for a specially-trained professional to guide one through the adoption minefield.

I recently spoke with the parents of a 3-year-old whom they adopted from overseas shortly after she was born. Since then, several adoption specialists have told them that a rather nebulous condition called “attachment disorder” is an ever-present threat to their child’s mental health. Apparently, her primary attachment is to her biological mother, even after three years. According to said professionals, she remembers her mother’s face, smell, and voice, and there is a part of her psyche that is constantly grieving the loss. This unresolved (unresolvable?) issue manifests itself in anxieties, fears, shyness, temper tantrums, defiance, moodiness, and other behaviors associated with normal toddlerhood.

The little girl’s parents have no reason to think that people with capital letters after their names are pulling things out of thin air, so this barrage of misinformation has kept them in a perpetual state of anxiety. They have come to see the issue of their daughter’s adoption behind every imperfect behavior. In addition, they’ve been told that they should make every effort to compensate for the child’s ever-present attachment issues, including allowing her to occupy the marital bed. When she misbehaves, they don’t know whether to respond with understanding or discipline. Consequently, their attempts to discipline are generally ineffective. While they were talking with me, the mother’s turmoil was especially evident. She exerted great effort to keep from sobbing.

These parents are not alone. Over the years, I’ve spoken to numerous adoptive parents who have received similar apocalyptic, anxiety-arousing information and advice from adoption specialists. To be fair, I’ve also met adoption specialists who do not hold to these views, but they testify to being in the minority and to not being well-received by their peers.The facts: A consistent body of hard, objectively-gathered scientific evidence to the effect that adopted children are more prone to psychological problems than children who live with one or two biological parents is lacking. On the other hand, there is significant evidence to the effect that even orphaned children exposed during their early, supposedly “formative” years to severe conditions of emotional deprivation and material neglect recover quite nicely when adopted by loving parents. For more on the subject, I highly recommend Dr. John Bruer’s The Myth of the First Three Years (The Free Press, 1999). An excellent related article can be found at http://www.gladwell.com/2000/2000_01_10_a_baby.htm.The unscientific claims being disseminated by certain adoption specialists does no measurable good for adopted children and presents the potential of doing significant emotional harm to adoptive parents, the parents above being a case in point. As we are given to say in North Carolina, “It just ain’t right.”

Skin Bleaching now targeting Asian Men

CNN By Sara Sidner -

"In one TV commercial, two men, one with dark skin, the other with light skin; stand on a balcony overlooking a neighborhood. The dark skin guy turns to his friend and says in Hindi, "I am unlucky because of my face." His light skin friend replies, "Not because of your face, because of the color of your face."
Suddenly the light skin guy throws his friend a cream. It's a whitening cream."

You can read the full article and watch the commercial here - CNN

This stuff is horrific and blantantly racist. I have a 6 year old Chinese-American daughter with gorgeous porcelian white skin. I have a 10 year old Chinese-American daughter with insanely beautiful bronze skin that still suffers from 8 years of using bleaching soap in China.

I used to be a big fan of Nive@ products until I saw their ad placement in the commercial. No more. Do you ban a product in your home due to racist ties? We also banned the pimped up Br@tz dolls - one reason (of many) was after reading the NLC's report here on the terrible conditions the dolls were made under in China.

I know I am missing a million other issues that I need to support through not purchasing items or bringing them into our home. Let me know what I am missing!

-Diane

Meet Little Brother

Little Brother

Mulan has a dog named Little Brother- and we have a katydid. He’s a boy. Apparently their –um- backsides are shaped differently than the female katydid. Who knew?

This bug has completely captivated me. He is currently in a vase on the dining room table and I keep thinking I need to release him to the garden – but I don’t want to part ways just yet. Yup. Weird. I don’t know what it is about him...the alien eyes, the slinky antennae, his obsession with licking his feet...but, I can’t stop looking at him.

And then there is the fact that he shouldn’t be here in the first place. This particular katydid, a drumming one, is supposed to be living on the East Coast of the US- not the West. How did he get here? Did he hitch a ride on our luggage that just returned from my home visit to PA?

Speaking of our home visit- we went to see my Dad and it was difficult. He’s sick and it makes me intensely sad to once again be far away from him. Anyway, before we left my dad was released from the hospital and I drove him to all of our favorite places. We visited covered bridges that I played under when I was small and my favorite rock by my Dad’s favorite creek that my children’s shoes have now stood on too. Is that where our katydid hitched a ride? Or was it under the Arch in Valley Forge or maybe he was residing in a log cabin or maybe he was on that hill where I used to fly my kite? If only Little Brother could talk beyond his drumming sounds.

I need to find the courage to let him go someday. The katydid.

-Diane

View China's Lost & Stolen Children

A missing child from Guangdong Province, China- born June 2004 and went missing in June 2006

If you have adopted a child from China please look through the photolistings of missing and stolen children here. It is absolutely possible that some of these children ended up in orphanages and were adopted internationally. Such was the case with a now teenager who was lost in China, placed in an orphanage, adopted to the United States and now in reunion with his first family which you can read about here and follow their blog here.

Some children do not have photos available but do have information about their age, appearance and location when then went missing. There are hundreds of listings and it is time consuming to review all of the files- but it is the least we can do for the children and their families who live with the unimaginable pain of not knowing.

I understand that facing the thought that your child might have been trafficked, lost, stolen is incredibly intimidating. But, imagine for the briefest moment if the tables were turned. I’ve always admired Julia Rollings who learned that her children adopted from India were stolen and not voluntarily relinquished. She has gracefully navigated through tragic circumstances.

The children’s information can be translated through babelfish. Copy and paste the information and chose translate from simp-Chinese to English. It will not be a completely accurate translation but it will be close enough.

Thank you in advance and please consider using your blogs/websites to encourage others to search the database-if only just to pray for these children. Of course you may also just simply link to here.

UPDATE

I think google translate is a better option than babelfish. Paste the site http://www.baobeihuijia.com

into google translate- http://translate.google.com/?hl=en#

There is a search feature at the top of the photolisting page.

-Diane

I *heart* Jeanne-Ming

art by Jeanne-Ming

I was delighted to see that Jeanne- Ming joined this blog as a follower. What an honor! If you haven’t yet entered Jeanne-Ming’s visionary world then you must go now! Not only do I admire Jeanne-Ming’s incredible art work but her writing is equally wonderful. I am drawn to minimalist writers- the talented writers of our world who so simply and succinctly convey emotion with very few words. Jeanne-Ming’s writing enchants like a Haiku.

Her artwork can also be viewed on her website.

-Diane

Skinny Jeans & Tsunami & A Book

I was already bummed out by the plethora of skinny jeans scattered throughout the sales ads in today’s newspaper. How in the heavens could skinny jeans make a comeback? It’s enough to get the ball rolling on a mid-life crisis. Why can’t mu-mus take hold of the fashion world? Seriously- they are bright, fun, flowy and come in an endless print selection. In my attempt to lash out against the skinny-mini world I decided to head out to the gas station and get me a soda. And then it got worse.

Found tucked inside my truck door was a paper which reads as follows-

Sept 2010 Mega Quack-Tsunami to ruin US West Coast
Multiple, supernatural, confirmations, backing this for Sept 2010 & collapse to follow. Investigation into this is vital for U & family to build faith, to prepare. Read of George Washington’s angelic visitation. Read of 3 people in 1 night getting same dream and other amazing signs. If U doubt at least get away from West coast by Sept 3 or possibly wind up dead. Most of all, this message given thru Jesus Christ as sign to U. Is your name written in his book of life or RU still under the curse of death? See what else is to come!

UGH.

In other news, I am currently reading “The Great Call of China” by Cynthia Liu. It is tween chick lit but the plot intrigued me.

Synopsis-
“Chinese-born Cece was adopted when she was two years old by her American parents. Living in Texas, she’s bored of her ho-hum high school and dull job. So when she learns about the S.A.S.S. program to Xi’an, China, she jumps at the chance. She’ll be able to learn about her passion—anthropology—and it will give her the opportunity to explore her roots. But when she arrives, she receives quite a culture shock. And the closer she comes to finding out about her birth parents, the more apprehensive she gets. Enter Will, the cute guy she first meets on the plane. He and Cece really connect during the program. But can he help her get accustomed to a culture she should already know about, or will she leave China without the answers she’s been looking for?”

Already I have some concerns. First the headline on the back says-

‘A Chinese Menu of Possibilities’

Second on page 11-

‘Cece believed her mother must have felt threatened by the possibility of Cece finding her biological parents. Maybe she didn’t want to share the bond they had with someone else. Or maybe they worried Cece might replace her altogether.’

Ok. Ok. But then...

‘Cece’s father, on the other hand, had always been more sympathetic, and he actually had been able to convince her mother to open up once about the adoption. When Cece was twelve, they both sat down with her and stated plainly that they didn’t know anything about her birth parents, but they’d tell her everything they knew. They described the orphanage, told her what her name used to be before her adoption- Bei Ma Hua- and they showed her some photos, including the one Cece now kept with her.’

WHA?????? Mom opened up ONCE and they told her these things when she was TWELVE????

Double UGH.

Has anyone else read this book? I will try to do a more thorough review soon before the mega-tsunami hits.

-Diane

Monsters In the Closet

This post was written in reaction to these two posts-
Adoptive Mom Malinda at Adoption Talk- To the Mom I Met Today
First Mom Lorraine at Birth Mother/First Mother- Adoption is Always Painful
......

Refraining from discussing adoption with our adopted children is not an option. Discussing and disclosing information about our children’s birth families is their birthright. There is no way around it. The only way is through it.

I adamantly believe that, as adoptive parents, we are required to go further than meeting our children in the middle, we must go all the way and walk back with our children at their pace.
To withhold adoption information from our kids is to suppress a closet full o f monsters- pain, grief, confusion, anger, shame- it is to stuff our children's closets to the point of explosion.

We adoptive parents can be dismissive.

Go back to bed honey. Monsters aren’t real. There is nothing wrong-just a closet full of pretty clothes. See? It is all in your imagination.

Instead, what we need to do is sit down on our child’s bed and say – Tell me what you see. What do the monsters look like? How do they make you feel? What will happen if the monsters come out of the closet? Show me. Tell me. I will hold your hand and we can look together.

In the adoption community we refer to the triad- First Mother, Adoptive Mother, Adoptee. All of us forming a triangular connection. The problem with this triad analogy is that it contains too many sharp points. Angles that can slice and wound. Linear lines that don’t bend. Lines that are interdependent but only engage at an end.

Plus, there are lines that are missing. What about foster families that raised our children before we came on the scene? What about Nannies in our children’s institutions? After much internal debate about the respective level of care that my children received in foster care and in the SWI- I have come to the conclusion that the care level received is a mute point when it comes to whether or not they should be included in the triad. For better or worse- they were the caretakers of my children- one of whom was called Mama. But a triad is three- and what happens when we need more lines? The triangulation of the triad isn’t working for me.

Speaking of Mama. She raised my youngest for almost 2 years and my oldest for almost 8. I was heavily discouraged from meeting her during our first adoption. I was told it would be too hard. My daughter would get worse. It would cause a setback. What? She was already screaming and flailing and crying non-stop for days. What would worse look like? I was willing to see what worse looked like in order to honor the woman who raised my daughter. And thank the heavens I did- meeting her brought my oldest daughter into my life and I know infinitely more about my daughters’ history that would have otherwise been lost to me.

But, I have heard this same story over and over. Families who adopt who chose to not visit their child’s orphanage, who chose to not meet the foster family that cared for their child because it would just be too darn hard on the child. Actually, a family that we traveled with only met their foster family because we did. I don’t get it. I do know families who later kicked themselves for buying into this theory and are now scrambling to re-connect. In international adoption information is pretty stinkin’ tough to gather from the other side of the world.

So, in honor of Mama- I am throwing out the triad and creating an adoption circle. Because, as disconnected as my children might feel sometimes- there has never been a disconnect. There has always been a circle. A circle of women and men who surrounded them and cared for them. Always. We don’t need to know their names to lock them in our circular embrace. We don’t need to propel them to sainthood or deem them villains. We all come to the circle with our own flaws. But, the power of the circle is that has no seams to tear apart.

We must all sit on our children’s beds, locked in our adoption circle, and take a good hard look at those monsters in the closet. It might be scary but we will have each other to hold on to tight.

What do you see?

-Diane

Approved For Adoption

I found a link to this on one of my listserves and HAD to share! The trailer is just amazing, breathtaking really, and I am hoping hard that the film will be released in the U.S..

"The project follows Jung as he goes back to Seoul for the first time since he was orphaned as a child, with the animated segments of the film used to depict his memories of growing up in Belgium with his adopted parents. " Full Article - HERE

-Diane

Birth Moms- Get Red Carpet Treatment!

It really doesn't get much worse than this. Please tell me this isn't for real? I saw this link on one of my listserves and was utterly horrified.

Pregnant?

"Get Red Carpet Treatment with Adoptions First-

Round trip airfare from anywhere in the US to Los Angeles, California

Airport pickup and transfer to your NEW HOME

Tour of Greater Los Angeles: Hollywood, Beverly Hills, Santa Monica and Malibu Beaches
Housing, Medical, Legal, Shopping and other expenses"

Ok. Heading to the nearest toilet or trash can now.

-Diane

Gratuitous Cute Kids Pics & Brag

If you read Anti-Racist Parent then you are familiar with their Gratuitous Kids pics! They are always so DARN cute! My Mother has been after me for a recent photo of the girls so I took these yesterday. YD will be 6 in a few weeks (gulp) and OD is already 10 (double gulp)!

As I mentioned previously, OD has struggled with the lack of structure that summer provides. She thrives on busy and summer is anything but. We have a few things scheduled ahead but they won’t start until July. OD will be doing a master ballet class and both girls are excited to start Tae Kwon Do. My main goal will be helping OD to relax and enjoy being un-scheduled.

The past school year was socially challenging for the girls -especially OD. YD was able to manage really well by mid-year but OD struggled throughout. OD lost her BFF last summer, when she returned to Korea, and OD just never recovered.

Both of the girls were incredibly successful academically despite their individual issues. It is astonishing what OD has accomplished with only 2 years of English under her belt. How she received an almost straight A report card working at grade level just blows my mind. Unfortunately, I know that part of it is her insatiable need to be in control and maintain perfection. YD’s report card was as perfect as it could be.

Here are the comments the girls received from their respective teachers-

OD’s Teacher – “OD grasps new concepts quickly. She has great potential with her many talents. I have enjoyed having her in my class. She is a great student and a great person.”

YD’s Teacher- “YD is a perceptive and quick-minded student and will do quite well in first grade. I have certainly enjoyed her sweet and friendly nature and her enthusiasm for school!”

I am deeply proud of my girls. I shed a few tears over their report cards. Sometimes something will happen to give me pause, to make me think that I have accomplished nothing at all that we have gotten nowhere. Sometimes I feel an utter failure to my children. Their loss is my gain and I am disheartened by the equation.

And sometimes, pieces of paper, like a report card, will speak to me and say- Your doing something right. Maybe not everything right- but something.

-Diane

US Births Hint at Bias for Boys in some Asians

New York Times
By SAM ROBERTS
Published: June 14, 2009

The trend is buried deep in United States census data: seemingly minute deviations in the proportion of boys and girls born to Americans of Chinese, Indian and Korean descent.
In those families, if the first child was a girl, it was more likely that a second child would be a boy, according to recent studies of census data. If the first two children were girls, it was even more likely that a third child would be male.

Demographers say the statistical deviation among Asian-American families is significant, and they believe it reflects not only a preference for male children, but a growing tendency for these families to embrace sex-selection techniques, like in vitro fertilization and sperm sorting, or abortion.

Full article- HERE

-Diane

Bad Juggling and Great Blogs

Painting by Benjamin Levy

I’ve decided that I stink at juggling. These last several weeks I took on too many balls and some of them dropped. One of those balls is this blog.

I know the writers here have put so much into their muses. Some of the topics we have discussed have required a dredging of emotions and issues that are anything but easy. It can leave one feeling stripped down and exposed. We continually question how vulnerable our words make our children. How much is too much? Certainly there have been private issues that I have left on the cutting room floor. It’s a tough balance - how to help others, or seek advice when we can’t tell it completely like it is- when there are parts that must remain publicly missing.

I think a summer blog break is in order for the writers. I can’t thank them enough for agreeing to participate here and for sharing a window into their world. I will keep the blog going over the summer and continue to post my own thoughts now and again. We will re-think whether or not to continue as a group in the fall. In the mean time I want to figure out how to organize the blog so that past topics can be easily accessed depending on a reader’s interest.

In other juggling news- My house is a disorganized jumble and if you know me than you know that it freaks me out. My email box is busting at the seams. If you have emailed me lately- sorry and I will get back to you! Somehow I forgot how difficult transitions are for OD, since the year was highly structured, and her summer break beginning has been less than smooth. We did make it through the past weeks rehearsals and performances ok- both girls’ end of the school year shows, OD’s recorder recital, rehearsals for their ballet production and three theater performances. Which reminds me...

Remember how I said that I was writing the narration for the ballet and subsequently was asked to do the voice-over? Well, I did those things and also did the voice over for a TV commercial and radio commercial. The performance voice-over was done the week of the show. The day of the dress rehearsal the ballet director phones me up and says that the voice-over is not laying over the music well. She informs me that I will need to do the narration in the wing of the theater – LIVE! Shiver me timbers. I have never done anything remotely like it and I was terrified. I managed to make it through all three shows without choking or vomiting all over the microphone. Mission accomplished- I guess.

....

Although I haven’t been blogging myself I continue to read great blogs that always give me food for thought, stretch my brain and tug at my heart. Here are a few of my favorites-

I was seriously bummed when Margie decided to stop blogging at Third Mom but became seriously thrilled that she emerged again at Komapseumnida. I had been reading her thoughts for a long time – but wasn’t a commenter. I am going to change that so that she knows how much she is appreciated by me and so many in the adoption triad. Her most recent posts in on how time flies with kids and becoming an Empty Nester.

Mei-Ling at Orginal Heping & Sister Heping is currently in reunion with her Taiwanese family. She is on my mind a lot lately. I find myself sending up little prayers that this will be a positive, peaceful and fulfilling journey for her. She once emailed me saying that my friend Richard told her that it is so different when you get to know bloggers through email. So true and I have thoroughly benefitted from getting to know Mei-Ling.

Speaking of Richard- I am so happy that he has started blogging again at InMySeoul! Richard is one of those gems of a people that you thank your lucky stars that you crossed paths with. He is amazingly open, generous and hilarious! (and he happens to be one whose email sits in my box un-replied too – Sorry Richard!)

Malinda at Adoption Talk always makes me think- I’ve commented that she gives me migraines :) Her blog is filled with rich posts and pertinent discussions to anyone in the International adoption community. Currently she is looking for feedback on several wonderful posts which you can read here

Tonggu Mommy blogs at Our Little Tonginator and I love to read her Sunday Linkage. She is funny and witty (two things I strive to be!) and rightfully has a great blog following.

Cassi is a mom who blogs at Adoption Truth. Her writing voice is powerful and I often find myself reflecting on her thoughts and words. This from her profile- “was sixteen and pregnant. Frightened and so confused. I remember the pamphlet my school nurse handed me. Pregnant? Confused? We understand.”
It is an honor to be included on Cassi’s blogroll.

One of our blog followers who blogs at Let It Be is in China now and just met her second beautiful adopted daughter- brings back some memories! Congratulations Sherri!

Finally, I am a daily reader of Jae Ran’s blog Harlow’s Monkey. She has an great post called Adoptive Parent’s- How to be our Ally. Her latest post also discusses blogging and the possibility of going too far and divulging too much. Her resource section is a gold mine.

Here’s to a wonderful summer for all and please forgive my ball dropping!

-Diane

Discipline Muse- By Tracy

Painting- Bedtime Story by Ann Fiser

When I think of discipline.....I think of teaching/learning opportunities- the opportunity for my children to learn what they did wrong and to try again, but in a more appropriate way. I think punishment makes children resentful and then they cannot find the lesson that needs to be learned in the experience. That is not to say I don't ever screw it up....many times I do. More than I care to admit. But I TRY to remain calm, use mistakes as life lessons, and always end it with love and understanding.

Many times my children are trying to make me angry and if they succeed, then we all get sucked into a non-productive encounter. So....random thoughts about discipline at our house.
If my children do something wrong we try to have a logical consequence. Something that makes sense considering what happened. If they break something, they need to fix it (if possible). If they hurt someone, they need to look the person in the eye and say they are sorry for doing ......(fill in the blank). I know that children are not always truly sorry, but I think that going through the motions of how to apologize is important, even if they are not feeling the feeling in that moment in time. I know many adults who do not know how to apologize in a sincere way. It needs to be taught over and over.

If a child is totally out of control, I have them sit on a chair in the kitchen while I stay in the kitchen but stay busy with other things. At that point I ignore verbal taunts, stay far enough away that they cannot hit me, but close enough that I can verbally tell them I love them and will help them. As soon as they can talk in a normal voice we can deal with whatever happened. I try to name the emotions they are feeling and figure out what caused them, and then we can figure out how to handle it next time.

Before our last adoption, with our daughter I would hold her on my lap until she could get back in control of her emotions and her body, but now that we have a "virtual twin" and they are older, that does not work very well as they feed off each other. If one gets time on mommy's lap when they are being naughty, then they do naughty things to get more attention. It makes it worse. So I have had to revise that plan, although when our daughter was the youngest it worked really well for her because her ornery behavior was a signal to me that she was feeling scared and out of control. I always follow it with time talking on Mom's lap about what happened and then they have logical consequences.

If possible, when my children do something wrong, I simply have them "do it over" but the right way. Sometimes they have to do it over several times before they get it, but I try to patiently show them what is expected. If someone is not nice or hurts someone, then they usually need to do something nice for the other person. I have found, with our son especially, that when he is grumpy or ornery and doing naughty things, the thing that helps the most it to get him active and exercising. It gets the endorphins flowing in his brain and greatly improves his mood and behavior. We will take a long walk or a run around the back yard break when his behavior is going downhill.

Chores also greatly help our son. When he went through a not being so nice to our dogs phase, he was put in charge of caring for them (with supervision). He feeds them, lets them out, brushes them, etc. He is learning what it means to take care of someone/something besides himself. He is also earning their unconditional love and devotion. He is also learning what it takes to keep a family running. When he does something that takes away from Mommy's time to get her work around the house done, he gets to help with Mommy's jobs. Some of them are not so fun! He is learning to contribute to keeping our home and family life running smoothly.

When our children have control issues (which we are currently dealing with from our son in his attachment journey) we sometimes play games that allow Mom to be in control and that ask the child (in a playful way) to give up their control. Mother May I? and Simon (or Mommy) Says are great games for this! Plus, they are fun!

I have my children sit on my lap and make eye contact when we talk about something that happened. I keep it short and simple and always end it on a happy note. I make sure they know that they made a bad choice, but they are a GOOD kid. If my children break eye contact while we are talking, I simply STOP talking. Eventually they look at me to find out why I stopped talking and then I start again. They have figured out pretty quickly that making eye contact gets the talk done quicker.

I try to have a happy bedtime at the end of the day regardless of what our day has been like. I use simple words over and over and over like a mantra until they stick ......I love you no matter what......you are a good boy/girl....families love each other, take care of each other, and help each other........When my children listen to me or do what I ask, I try to make sure happy, fun things happen. I especially want our son to realize that letting mommy take care of him does not have to be scary. That it is actually better to let a parent be in charge than to try to take care of yourself at the ripe old age of five. We are getting there.......slowly but surely.

As far as anger goes.....I read lots of books showing them that everyone gets angry and it is okay to be angry, but it is not okay to hurt people when you are angry. When my son is really angry, there is no reaching him emotionally at that point. He can't hear me. So he sits near me on a chair while he screams, cries, rages, etc. He knows I am there and he is not being rejected because of his behavior. I touch him gently as I walk by and tell him I love him even when he is angry. When it is over we reconnect and figure out what caused it. Then we go on as normal, no grudges or hard feelings.

Update

Painting by Degas

Just wanted to let you all know that the discipline muses will continue into next week. I am currently working on a few other projects that are gobbling up my time. I am most excited about having the honor to narrate a story ballet that will be performed in an old 1920’s vaudeville theater. It is such a lovely venue! In addition to writing the ballet narration I also just completed writing the commercial which will air locally on cable, online and on the radio. The big surprise for me was that they loved my reading of my writing so much that I am also doing the voice over for my narration. So, between writing, spending time in the ballet studio to learn where narration is needed and recording- my days are full. I have so many deadlines to meet and will be running all the way through the end of the month.

Oh yeah- and being a Mom- that keeps me kinda busy too.

Hope everyone’s weekend was wonderful!

-Diane

Discipline Muse- By B

Mother's Hug Sculpture

Meltdowns, tantrums and questionable behavior are not infrequent occurrences around here these days. I am truly finding myself at a loss as to how to remedy the situation. The real trouble is that my bag of old reliable tricks from 15 years of parenting is just plain useless when it comes to D2 and D3. S1, S2 and D1 had their share of days where they needed me to be strong, consistent and reliable in my attention to their behavior. I am finding, though, that the littles need me to find a new set of skills. Generally, when it come to discipline, I am flexible (sometimes for me that means a little on the soft side), and I seek to give grace when it is the best choice. Plus let’s be real here and say that sometimes I am just without a clue as to what to do. I definitely make a point of noticing good choices. However, super creative and positive discipline choices don’t always just flow out at the first hint of trouble.

Some techniques that have worked for me in some instances are do-overs and holding time-ins. Supposedly, do-overs have magical powers in the brains of children. I am not sure about magical , but it does make all of us feel better when we can walk through a situation that was handled badly and have mom’s help to handle it the proper way. I just wish one only had to do a do-over once. Do-over is actually do it over and over and over again around here. As far as holding and comforting time-ins, at times that has really been the only effective means for D2 to calm down and do what I am asking her to do.

I keep looking for a remedy for all situations and all children. That may be another one of our troubles around here. Coming alongside a child and guiding them into appropriate and healthy behavior takes patient, consistent work and lots of time. My expectations of what is going to work and how long it is going to take need to be adjusted.

For D3, anger and fear seem to be the primary motivating factors in some of her behaviors. The biggest outbursts usually calm down when we hold her. The more subtle expressions like the parting rants under her breath or the many daggers thrown from her big brown eyes to the offending party are what I find more difficult to address. What do you ignore? What do you respond to? What cannot be permitted ever? I hate to admit that sometimes I truly do not know. We are working towards some answers with D3, and I hope to make some progress in this area soon. For all of our sakes.

So, blog away, friends. I am anxious for your insights.

-B