This blog post, I Miss My Foster Family, featured on the No Hands but Ours blog, has prompted interesting conversations within our family. No Hands but Ours is a website dedicated to advocating for ‘special needs’ children in China. I am the proud mom to two ‘special needs’ girls. My first was adopted from China at age 2 ½ and my second came home a few weeks shy of 8.
The author of the provoking blog entry writes the following about a discussion with her daughter adopted from China:
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“Last week, she was keeping me company in the master bathroom while I was putting on my makeup and doing my hair when her face suddenly got all serious and she announced, solemnly, that she missed her foster family."I miss my foster family, sooo much! I really want to visit them but you won't let me and that makes me sad. I feel like I have two hearts thumping in me." Then she patted her chest to show me where those two hearts were thumping.It was sweet and touching and I stroked her silky cheek with the back of my hand and told her that I love her two hearts with all of my one heart. Then I gently reminded her that she doesn't have a foster family.
Yep, she made it all up.
She was never in foster care in China so she clearly didn't really miss her foster family. And she knows what a foster family is so there's no confusion about that either. She was merely pretending. She has a beautiful imagination and frequently tells stories with fuzzy edges between reality and fantasy and this was just another story to her. She probably hasn't even thought about it again but I sure have.”
The author follows up with this comment in the comment section of her post:
“My girls know where they were before we adopted them but we call it a SWI or "the big baby room" and never call it an orphanage. The orphanages in the cartoons are not the same and we didn't want them to have an incorrect image of where they were or why they were there. They know they didn't grow inside my belly but they don't know the term "birth mother" or "first mother". To them, "mother" is synonymous with permanent love and the knowledge that their mother gave them away would only cause them to worry that someday I'll do it too. Especially if their first mother did it because she loved them. How confusing would THAT be? We tell them that they grew inside the China Lady's tummy (and that is why they are Chinese). None of these modified titles and names are lies. It's all truth. But it's served up in sizes that don't confuse them or make them sad.So I guess I'm saying that the terminology made all of the difference to our kids. In time, all of the pieces will fall into place but they're content with the kindergarten version of the details we've shared so far.”
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I, to put it mildly, was pretty blown away by this adoptive parent’s logic. This evening I decided to go straight to my own sources for their reactions. First, I casually asked my little one (age 6) what she thought about referring to a first mother as the China Lady.
Her response was a very concerned –
WHY? Why would someone do that?
I asked her how she would feel if we didn’t use the word mother when referring to her first mom and she said-
It wouldn’t be nice. She is my mother and she deserves a beautiful word- Mother is a beautiful word.
Next, I asked my oldest daughter (age 10) for her perspective. She wasn’t a part of my conversation with her sister. I asked her the same questions and she said-
My biological mother gave me life- calling her mother is giving her the respect that she deserves. China Lady isn’t explaining who she is. She is not some random person in China- she is my mother! I think that calling her something different is really weird.
I went on to read through and discuss the blog post in its entirety with my oldest.
She was in awe of the author’s daughter’s explanation of having two hearts. WOW- she said- that is so big and so true. When we got to the part about the author’s daughter having made it all up- my daughter reacted strongly and said-
She didn’t make it ALL up. Those feelings about missing another family are REAL.
As for terminology- my daughter was confused. She said-
You can’t change the words and make it better. An orphanage is an orphanage. Inside the orphanage is an area with babies. In China we called it the baby zone not the baby room (news to me!). An orphanage has children of all ages- not just babies. I don’t get changing the words. It makes it more confusing.
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The author also writes as a part of her blog post:
“I can make her believe that she's suffered tragic and unfair losses, that people on the other side of the world cry for her and miss her and think about her every day, that it's perfectly understandable that she'd miss them too. And even though all that might very well be true, there's a pretty good chance that she wouldn't be spending any time thinking about it if I didn't make a ritual out of putting it under her nose and helping her scrutinize her feelings about it. In other words, I'm careful not to treat my kids like injured baby birds because they might start believing that's what they are.”
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My daughter’s reaction to the above-
I would be thinking about my biological mother and my history whether or not you talked about it. I always have. It is inside me. It is a part of my life. My life didn’t start when I was adopted. I think that I would explode if I were that little girl! It doesn’t make it better by not talking about it- it makes it worse. I would be sad and lonely if we didn’t talk about these things.
So there you have it. I refrained from sharing my own thoughts and feelings until my children had expressed their own. We have never shied away from these discussions and I don’t believe that I have created 2 injured birds because of these discussions. In fact, I believe the opposite- the girls are stronger and we are stronger as a family because we do have these discussions. They rely on me to listen. They rely on me to listen to their pain and that pain surfaces in different ways during different developmental stages. We have been having these discussions from the get go with my then 2 ½ year old and have continued them for over the past 4 years.
Both of my daughters had two mothers before I came along. Do they remember their first mother- no. Is she a large part of their emotional life- yes. Absolutely yes.
As for terminology- ours is fluid and depends on the conversation- we use first mother, birth mother, biological mother and sometimes just plain- mother. According to my children, and my own gut reaction- taking out mother is not an option.
Malinda at Adoption Talk has a good post that addresses these issues- Looking forward to your thoughts.
-Diane
(Thank you all so much for your support after my Dad's passing. I am still learning to navigate this world without him.)
Edited to add:
I was surprised to see this same ‘take out mother from mother’ theme in a link provided by TongguMomma in her Sunday Linkage. There is a lot of good in the post by Just Add One Chinese Sister in “Just my 2 cents on adoption, try to be nice”(regarding Gotcha Day and Adoption Books) but here is where I got lost-
“My daughter only has 1 Mommy, that's me. We honor her birth Mother, but she is not Eme's Mommy. It's obvious that Eme had another Mother before me, but to give the title of 'Mommy' to the unknown lady on the other side of the world would confuse any child.”
And the comments that nod in agreement-
“We have agreed that Avery has one set of parents - that's us. We recognize the fact that she does have "birth parents" but we don't call them birthmother or birthfather...We will teach her their first names and will never refer to them as her her (sic) parents. I know there are some who would blast us for that, but it's what we decided. We are all for being open and honest about her adoption, but like you said it doesn't define who she is...”
And-
“I agree with you and would never think of saying our daughter has two mothers - she only has one. And one father also.”
Another Add- further discussion on this topic can be found here-O Solo Mama
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